Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
