My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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