you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
