Duck Duck Cougar?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
