life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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