You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
