i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
