Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize