What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
