Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
i believe in u and ur pee
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
