The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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