I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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