Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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