bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
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