i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
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