sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
