I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize