I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
