i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Will exercising make me less horny?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
