hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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