watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
