My Higher Power is John Stamos
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
