I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
There's always time for handjobs
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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