I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
