I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.