I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
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you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
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I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news