do you believe in love at first sight?
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma