im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
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Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
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She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER