Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
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Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
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Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle