I hate all girls vehemently.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
