I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Congratulations! We have a period
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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