I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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