You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
