Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
