420 ftw
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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