Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
