Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
