when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
