You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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