she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
