My hand turned me down
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize
