i need an iv and a liver transplant
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
