In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
