I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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