just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
