I can text with my tongue
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
