Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
