I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
