I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
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