Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Randomize
