I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
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Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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