So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
