I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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