Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
