My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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