My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
