I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
